The Shadow and the Gold

We finished our first term of our second year on Tuesday. It was my last Interpersonal Relationships and Communication Class ever. Because of this, our teacher decided to end the night with an activity. It is called the Shadow and the Gold. Have you heard of this? You have to sit in the middle of the class and say something about yourself that gets in the way from growing, or that trips you up in life. We were supposed to say at least two, preferably three. Then, three people also say something they see. Then, after everyone goes, we have to go back up and say two or three things we see in ourselves that we like. Again, three or more people chime in. If you have ever done this, you know it is a difficult thing to do. First, to share about yourself. Then to hear from others what they see. We were technically allowed to pass (we would not fail), but he strongly encouraged us to participate. Something neat happened to me though. The Lord prepared me to let the others see me. I do not remember if it was before our teacher stated the activity or just before my own turn. I just recall Him puting it in my heart to let others see me. This in itself is something that gets in my way- my unwillingness to be seen. It is also something I have not wanted. So, I listened to Him. I remembered His words to me and that He was with me. I agreed to be willing to let the others see me and to be as honest as I know how. So, I was not nervous. I walked up and sat down.

First, we worked on the the shadow. The things I shared about myself : my tendency to become defensive in situations that require vulnerability (including midwifery school and all that comes with it), my stubborness, and getting stuck in a negative mindset sometimes when I have a hurdle to jump. What did they say about me? One: that I have it so together that she is concerned I do not have enough fun... Two: that I am always composed, but she thinks I should relax more and cuss and get drunk and stuff... Three: I used to be quiet- she used to think I did not want to be known, but thinks differently now... We made our rounds. Then to the Gold... For myself: that I am genuine, that I am loyal, and that some of the things that people complain about or don't like doing that I actually LOVE doing them and that I enjoy life so much. Then the others: My teacher: that the way I live matches with what I believe and that He sees a lot of integrity and believes this is an important quality to make me a great midwife... classmate/friend: that even though I am little, I am one of the strongest women she knows... next: even though my beliefs are strong that I don't exclude others who do not share the same beliefs and that I accept everyone... next: She's just so doggone nice:).

The judgements that I have perceived along the way in midwifery school for living the way that I do (a very different life and very much unappealing to those around me) has been my one of my biggest challenges of school. So, it was good to hear some high compliments, especially who it came from. But as nice as it is to hear, I remember that ultimately it does not matter what compliments or complaints are said about me. It matters what He says about us. And as I sat in that chair on Tuesday night, I knew that I am approved and esteemed by the One whose judgement counts. I knew that His power is made perfect in weakness. I knew that my Redeemer lives and that one day He will stand again on the earth. I knew that the things that others see that are gold is the work that He has done in my life and that He is worthy to be praised. And one day every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. Until then, may we be found faithful.